Decorum Forum: Etiquette for Second Life

Words by Captain Paul Creighton

DEAR CAPTAIN:  My partner, Aine, complained to me that we were attending a party twenty minutes late.  A few months later, she complained that I was rushing her to be on time to a party held in her honor.  She explained to me that she was just trying to be courteous both times.  How can being late be courteous when she claims that being on time is correct?    -PUNCTUALLY CHALLENGED

DEAR PUNC: Aine is a wise woman.  When you are giving a party or simply attending one, you should arrive between ten minutes early and fifteen minutes late.  Yes, sometimes, that's just not possible and if you simply must arrive outside of that window you should send a private message to your host or hostess upon arrival, expressing your apologies.  The message need include any details beyond simply stating that is was personal, family, traffic, or work.  Getting dressed for an event should never make one late, as the outfit should have been selected and finalized the evening prior to a daytime event and by mid-afternoon for an evening event.

            Aine was also correct in wanting to arrive “fashionably late” for a party held in her honor.  When there is a celebrated person at an event, this person should allow time for the other guests to arrive.  Then they will all be present for the arrival of the guest of honor.  So, knowing that guests should be arriving no later than fifteen minutes after the start time for the party, Aine was correct if she was waiting to arrive around twenty minutes “late.”

*

DEAR CAPTAIN: I play a doctor in a Second Life.  Should I demand that people address me as “Doctor?”  -DOCTOR DIGITAL

DEAR DOCTOR: “I'm not really a doctor, I just play one in Second Life.”  This is a topic that I hear rather often from people all over the grid.  My response is the same for all titles and names in Second Life, not just for doctors.  It's simple, demand nothing, but suggest the way you wish to be addressed.

            There are a number of ways to suggest this.  The best is the display name feature.  Put your title in your display name.  The second best is to insert your title into a group tag.  Down the list you also have the option to use a  flip titler, which will put hover text over your avatar.  People can get rather creative with these and include all sorts of colors and other text effects.  Finally you can place something in your profile that indicates how you wish to be addressed.

            Should someone address you in a manner which you don't find appropriate, simply send a private message to the individual indicating your preference in a gentle way: “I prefer to be addressed with my title, 'Captain,' 'Captain Creighton,' or even 'Captain Paul.'  Thanks.”  If you preference is ignored by the same person during that event, it's best to simply overlook it.  If if occurs at another event, another gentle reminder in private is in order.  It's bad form to address this in local chat.

            If you change the way you prefer to be addressed, you may wish to mention that in local chat when you arrive, just to bring it to everyone's attention and because it is usually accompanied by some other news that will most certainly be a topic for some elaboration: such as a change in partnership status, a promotion, a graduation, and the like.

* 

CONFIDENTIAL TO SHERI IN CHICAGO:  The purple suit will make him look like your pimp.

Decorum Forum - Etiquette for Second Life

Words by Captain Paul Creighton

DEAR CAPTAIN: Is it OK to wear tails to a black tie event?  -AL DRESSED UP

DEAR AL: Absolutely not.  Tails should only be worn with white tie.  White tie is inappropriate for a black tie event.  White tie is the more formal option and it is always incorrect to select a style of dress more formal than suggested or required.  Doing so tells the host or hostess that he or she has chosen the wrong level of formality for their event.

            For gentlemen, white tie consists of, at its most basic, the tail coat along with a white tie.  If outdoors, a top hat should be worn.  White gloves are usually expected.  On the other hand, black tie consists of, again at its most basic, a dinner jacket and black tie.

            It would be unusual for someone to be able to afford a white tie ensemble and not be able to afford a black tie ensemble.  Remember, as a respectful guest, you should comply with the wishes of your host or hostess.  If black tie is “required,” then show up in black tie or respectfully decline the invitation.  If black tie is “suggested” or “requested,” then show up in black tie if you own it or can easily afford it.  If you cannot easily afford it, then a dark suit, preferably black, is acceptable.  Those are really your only options.

***

DEAR CAPTAIN: My partner, Abbo, says that I should remove my invisible attachments when we go shopping or dancing.  It's really a pain to find everything in inventory to reattach everything later.  What's the harm if they're invisible?  I think she is just being silly.  Am I right?-SENTIMENTALLY ATTACHED

DEAR SEN: Your partner is correct.  When you go out in public, you should remove unnecessary attachments.  That goes for everything, invisible or not.  The scripting alone will lag a venue even with a small crowd.  Remember, even if something is “invisible” every viewer within draw distance of the object will still render it and load the textures.  You're eating up a lot of bandwidth for essentially nothing, since the attachment is invisible to all of those other residents.  You're also slowing down teleports and sim crossings for yourself.

     Considering all the resources you're using, you should make some effort to reduce this for those around you.  The good news is, it takes almost no effort.  You can arrange your attachments in folders or as specific outfits.  Then you can add or remove these attachments easily.  If you're not sure how this works, look in the documentation for the viewer that you use or ask someone.  It really is just a few simple clicks and you can quickly wear or take off many attachments at one time.  You will make your Second Life so much better by making teleports and border crossings more reliable, as well as improving the experience of those around you who will not be hampered by needless lag or required to load textures that they will never see.

***

CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE ON GOLDEN SHORES:  Thanks for everything.

***

Note of the Editor: 
Dear Reader, if you have a dilemma, you can always "Ask the Captain”, we promise to keep your identity and anyone else mentioned in the letter completely anonymous.

Decorum Forum: Etiquette for Second Life

Words by Cpt. Paul Creighton

DEAR CAPTAIN: While attending a DJ show at a very popular venue, the hostess contacted me to request that I remove my face light.  I was very offended that someone would ask me to change my avatar simply to attend an event.  Was I justified in leaving?  Should I have stayed and refused to remove my face light?  -LUMINESCENT LADY

DEAR LUMI: You are well within your rights to leave when you do not agree with the rules of a venue.  Likewise, venues are well within their rights to require a certain dress code, including body and face lights, particles, and even scripts.  We are all familiar with dress codes regarding clothing styles.  They help to set the mood for an event or location.  Likewise, these other things have an effect on other attendees, and if the venue requests you not arrive with certain things, or to remove them once there, you are being rude if you can comply and don't.

            It is important to remember that when we are in location together in Second Life^TM, we are sharing sim resources.  This is why we should keep out script counts and low as possible when attending events.  HUDs and attachments that are not going to be used at the event should be removed.  Scripted items that can have their scripts removed should have them removed.

            Now, it is true that particles are handled on the client side, that is, each viewer renders the particles.  However, guests should always limit those particles to something that is in theme or a part of their themed costume at themed costume events.  This is not only because one must attempt to remain in theme but also because excessive particles impact the number of particles that everyone can see.  While it is true that a resident can raise the number of particles to a ridiculous amount on their viewers, this is not always practical as some people are running hardware that is taxed by even normal operations.  Just as one would be rude to whisper in a conversation with someone who is hard of hearing, it is likewise rude to insist that those not capable of raising their viewer settings somehow miss out on the intended experience provided by your host.

            Which brings us right back to face and body lights.  If they can be removed, they should be.  At even a lightly attended event, all light sources cannot be rendered if even a few people decide to arrive with face and body lights.  The viewer only renders the light from the sun and the moon, plus six of the nearest light sources.  At a gathering, you just don't have the right to claim one or more of those sources as your own.

            Now, as with scripting and particles, you may be in a situation where you arrive at an event with a light source attached that you simply can find.  Perhaps it is a part of another attachment and you simply are not aware of it until you arrive or are told.  Under those circumstances, just try to enjoy yourself.  If you have made a good faith effort to comply, then you have done your duty as a guest.  Respectful hosts and other guests will assume that you have made the effort.

            So, I don't think you were rude in leaving the event, however, a better choice would have been to comply with the request.  The best choice would be to remove those light sources from your outfits and only use them for photo shoots and similar activities.

***

DEAR CAPTAIN: I want to keep our Christmas tree up through the month of January.  My partner says it should come down just after New Year’s Day.  Could you shed some light on the subject for us? -AWAY IN A MANGER

DEAR AWAY: Unless you have a compelling reason to remove the tree before January 6, then it should remain up until that day.  If you are celebrating Christmas for religious reasons, then January 6 is important because it is the celebration when the Magi visited the Baby Jesus, thus being the first physical manifestation of Jesus to the Gentiles.  This completes the narrative of Christmas.  As many people also place nativity scenes under their trees, including the “three wise men” or Magi, it makes sense that the tree and nativity scene are present on the day set aside to commemorate that occasion.  Keeping the tree up through the 12 days of Christmas, December 25-January 5, is seen as traditional and it would be hard to argue traditionally or religiously for the removal of the tree on or before January 5.

            If you have some reason for leaving the tree up for longer, that is really a matter of personal taste.  In many traditions, the Christmas season lasts until Candlemas on February 2.  In the United States, this day is traditionally observed as Groundhog Day, which, according to tradition, could be the beginning of spring-like weather.  So, if one is displaying a tree as a celebration of winter, having the tree displayed throughout the core of the winter days seems appropriate.

***

CONFIDENTIAL TO CALEDON COMMODORE: The vessel leaving port should give the right of way.  This has nothing to do with the rank of the commanding officer.  Accept the admiral's offer to buy you a drink.

***

Note of the Editor: 
Dear Reader, if you have a dilemma, you can always "Ask the Captain”, we promise to keep your identity and anyone else mentioned in the letter completely anonymous.

Decorum Forum: Etiquette for Second Life

Words by Captain Paul Creighton

DEAR CAPTAIN: My partner, Rodrigo, went ahead to a dance when I could not be in-world for the start of the dance. Then Rodrigo refused to directly teleport me, insisting that I use the landmark he gave me. I was furious and refused to go to the dance with him. Should I have just used the landmark or should Rodrigo have directly teleported me to the dance as I requested? -CONFUSED IN CALEDON

DEAR CON: Your partner is quite correct. It is bad form to teleport into the middle of an event. It is not just a problem with verisimilitude, which itself should not be discounted. A good event host or hostess will place the landmark for the event outside of the actual gathering place. This allows avatars to arrive and fully rez their surroundings before being thrust into the event. It also allows the user to check their avatar's appearance before actually arriving at the event itself. We have all experienced a problem with teleport where things don't properly rez on our avatars. A more distant landing point also allows the host or hostess to control your arrival experience. He or she may want you to see certain things on your way into the event or to trigger certain scripts like givers and script counters. Bypassing these things gives your host or hostess the clear message that you do not care about his or her intent.
                Even if an event was not occurring at the time, it is not a good idea to directly teleport into a gathering place or entertainment venue. Doing so means that if you crash shortly after the teleport, and attempt to log back into your previous location, you may end up teleporting onto the head of someone else who has moved into that position while you were gone. It also means that your teleport history is a lot less useful, since you can't be sure which locations would allow you to arrive properly and respectfully. An empty venue now could be a crowded venue in the future, or even a private event.
                The proper way to arrive at a location is to use the landmark provided, if you are given one. As soon as you are able, step away from the landing point to allow it to be clear for others. Then give yourself a minute or two to rez things. If doors and buildings haven't rezzed for you, then signs regarding behavior and dress code haven't rezzed for you either. While you are waiting, you can check your avatar's appearance, make sure the stream is working properly, and read any notecards that are passed to you by hosts, hostesses, or givers. Once all that is squared away, you can enter the event confident that you are a respectful guest.
                It's a shame that you missed the dance with Rodrigo, but he saved you from potential embarrassment.

***

DEAR CAPTAIN: My future partner and I want to wear morning dress to our partnering ceremony but it will be held in the evening, 7pm SLT. We're afraid that morning dress is inappropriate that late in the day. We each live in different time zones: SLT and SLT+3. Does that matter? What effect does it have on the guests to request or require morning dress? What should we do? -IMPROPERLY DRESSED

DEAR IMP: You are quite correct in your suspicion that morning dress would be improper for a social event held at 7pm. The cut off for morning dress as opposed to evening dress will have passed by that time. It is generally considered appropriate to wear morning dress to events that start as late as 5pm. There is some latitude from events that begin at 6pm but by 7pm there is wide agreement that evening dress is appropriate.
                The thing about Second Life is that we are not bound by a single clock. If you wish to host a “daytime” social event, you may do so at any hour of the day, provided you have made it clear in your invitation. As host, you have the choice as to the time your event will be held but that need not be the same at the apparent time of the event. You can designate your event as taking place during daylight or evening hours by indicating the style of dress. If you have estate manager rights or can request certain changes, you can even change the region's day cycle so that it coincides with your wishes. Even if you can't do that, you can always suggest that guests set their viewers to a particular sun setting.
                You will recall that the rules of etiquette are designed to make everyone feel comfortable. As host, it is your job to be clear about the tone of the event and the style of dress that you expect. The guests need only follow your lead. Part of being clear in your invitation is your choice of wording. I don't like to use the word “request” on an invitation with regard to dress. It's too easily confused with “required” as it shares many of the same letters at the beginning. If you “suggest” a style of dress, then your guests know what your wishes are and if they can comply, they will. If they can't comply, they know that they are still welcome to attend. Feel free to state that a certain style of dress is “required” only if you are willing to ask a guest to change or leave if they don't arrive properly dressed. In my book, those are your only two options: suggest and require. There are other schools of thought which include “request” and “preferred.” I don't think those words are accurate. If someone shows up not dressed in the “requested” style of clothing, have they “refused your request?” Likewise, if your “preferred” style is not worn by a guest, are they wearing a style that is not well liked? “Suggesting” a style is exactly what you are doing and is more clear. As a guest, one should respect the suggestions of the host if at all possible. Showing up in a style of dress that is not suggested while one already owns or can easily afford the style suggested tells the host in no uncertain terms that his or her vision for the event has no importance. Meanwhile, if one does not own the suggested style and cannot easily afford it, coming as close as possible to the suggestion shows a guests desire to fulfill the vision of the host as well as the desire to be a part of the event.
                Go ahead and plan your ceremony as you wish. Just be sure to let everyone know ahead of time that you are suggesting or requiring morning dress.

***

CONFIDENTIAL TO SORRY IN SERAPH: After you have offered your apology, it is up to the other person to accept it or not. If you are certain the person has received your apology, there is no need to check back or repeat the apology. Give the other person time to think about the what has transpired as well as time to consider your explanation of the events and your desire to make it up to them.

***

Note of the Editor:

Dear Reader, if you have a problem, you can always "Ask the Captain”, we promise to keep your identity and anyone else mentioned in the letter completely anonymous.