Decorum Forum - Etiquette for Second Life

Words by Captain Paul Creighton


DEAR CAPTAIN: My friend instant messaged me in the middle of a dance we were both attending to tell me that I should not have disagreed with another guest's comment. I thought it was an open conversation and I could share my opinion. Who is right? -OBDERATE IN ANTIQUITY

DEAR OB: Your friend is quite correct. The art of conversation is to add to what the other person is saying, not to detract from it. You should be able to find clever ways of adding or redirecting the conversation even if you disagree with what has been said. The need not cause the conversation to be bland or less than spirited, but it will always ensure that the conversation is polite.
                For example, let us say that someone in the room has expressed their delight with London as a place to visit. Your preference may be for Paris. Rather than disagreeing by pointing out the negatives of London, you may simply say, “Yes, London is lovely, and one must simply see Paris, as well.” You've expressed your preference, opened up the conversation to discuss the merits of Paris, and still left the conversation open to someone agreeing with a preference for either city without having to disagree with either. 

               Avoid superlatives, like calling something the best or the finest. Unless, of course, it is for your host or hostess or for the event you are currently attending. It is perfectly acceptable to highly praise your current location. Just don't single out an specific previous host or event for comparison. “Your parties are the best,” is acceptable, “This party is so much better than the one I attended yesterday,” is not acceptable. Likewise, don't make a comment that so-and-so is the best dressed person at the event as it is a slight against every other person at the event. Such comments are fine in private but not made out in the open where they may cause hurt feelings.
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DEAR CAPTAIN: I don't have a lot of money and can't afford a new outfit for every event. I've taken to apologizing for not having the proper attire because of my financial situation. I try my best but I cannot keep up. What is a lady to do? -BANKRUPT IN BERLIN

DEAR BAN: If you are doing your best, then there is no need to mention it at all. If you are not doing your best, then begin immediately or simply decline the invitations you are receiving. If possible, obtain a black tie formal gown appropriate to the current season and whatever period you enjoy the most. That should be suitable for all formal and and semi-formal events. Such gowns are often gifts or prizes around the grid, so take some time to look around to find one that suits you. Once you have that gown, do the same for a party dress for the current season and your era. This will be suitable for casual parties and other meetings. Once you have that outfit, then look for something for the most formal occasions. You'll need to have outfits for all seasons, so this may take you some time, but work on the current season first.
                If you are trying your best, everyone will see this as time progresses. So, there is no need to point out that you are not quite there yet. Polite people will assume that everyone is trying their best, including you. Most importantly, enjoy yourself. The host or hostess who would prefer a well-dressed crowd to a polite one has not yet surfaced.
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CONFIDENTIAL TO NERO IN NEW TALOUSE: Morning attire is only suitable for events that take place during the day. A man wearing white gloves at an event that is semi-formal will look like a waiter. Don't be offended. Next time, remain silent and just pass the hors d’œuvre.